Sometimes

Sometimes you can feel the bruising of your heart. You know it hurts then and its going to hurt more later. Sometimes a conversation is so unsatisfying its hard to continue, and yet you can't stand for it to end. Sometimes you want to throw the phone, and also yourself, against the wall. Sometimes you're not sure if you're going to be okay.

After all this you learn how to be a different person. You crawl into different skins until you find what is right. You had become not one, but two people, and as the other person leaves, you learn to expand yourself. Become the person you used to be. Sometimes you think it is better not to get caught up in all of this, not to fall in love, and push those getting too close away. You become afraid to be vulnerable. Afraid to open up, allow the possibility of danger come near. But eventually, you learn to let everything go and just love. You learn you don't need someone to save your life, but you need to make it worth saving. You realize love isn't about being perfect, but instead loving imperfections. You will learn to hold onto the idea of love, even in the face of darkest doubt. You will learn how you will never get someone out of your heart, they will always be a part of you. But it is possible to love again.

Maybe one day we will go back and fix this together. Maybe in a few days, or weeks, I will learn I am going to be alright without you. Maybe I will be able to look into your eyes and not want you to hold me again, not want to curl up in your arms. Maybe I will learn I can be strong. That I can be beautiful without someone reminding me. I can be me. I will always love you, but I know you're not coming back. One day I will be okay with that. That day isn't today. Maybe it will be tomorow, and maybe it will be next week. But it will come.

I can't change the past. I don't want too and don't need too. We can't go back to how things were; we can only move foward. I still have the quiet nights we had together and I still have the feeling of your hand, pressed tight against mine. That is all I need for now. I can't go back to being who I was when you first met me - I will never be that girl again. This is who I am, and this is who I am going to be. I am going to become stronger, I'm going to be better. I told you I would make this alright. I don't plan on breaking any promises. But right now, I'm still a little shaky and scared, a little confused and unsure where to start. This is where I'll begin.

I want this to be the last thing I write about you. Perhaps I am wrong about that, but this will mark the beginning of me, the end of you. No longer can I let you cloud my thoughts, can I let myself wonder where everything went wrong. I do not want to think about how you hurt me. How I never truly knew the feeling of being alone until you were gone. I will still keep that note you wrote me, and I will keep the pages I wrote about you in my journal, the little things. But I will not hold onto you anymore. Here is my goodbye to you, my goodbye to who I've become, and my goodbye to us.